I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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