she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just puked most of my soul out..
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