So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
