I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
