dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
why is half of my head shaved?
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