Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
