I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize