wrigley field is MILF paradise
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
