Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
