I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Alive.
So much puke
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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