i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
