Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
