it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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