And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
