Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize