when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
