What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
