And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
