It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
