We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
