I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize