I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
