At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
