God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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