my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
