Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
