i would punch a child for taco bell
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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