yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
