I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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