what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
