Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
