i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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