you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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