Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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