hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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