I hate your face
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i think my cat just said my name.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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