i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize