Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
