thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
