I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
