I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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