My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
