he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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