I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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