SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish my penis had a tongue
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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