well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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