New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
