trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
