Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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