You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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