he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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