Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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