An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was a blind-side dick pic.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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