The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
