It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize