dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize