Can i not drive my cunt home
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
