i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
