1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
