I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize