sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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