I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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